quarta-feira, julho 06, 2005

A Razão das Férias Lusas

ferias lusas
Não há nada mais exasperante do que ir de férias para um sítio recheado de portugueses. Depois de 18 anos a levar com portugueses no Algarve prometi a mim mesmo passar as minhas férias, para o resto da minha vida, fora de Portugal. A maior parte das vezes consigo viajar para sítios sem tugas. Outras vezes não tenho essa sorte, e já sei a sorte que me espera:
No Avião para Lá
Para parecerem muito modernos e muito rodados na onda de viajar de avião, os portugueses comportam-se como se estivessem num autocarro de carreira em hora de ponta. Andam de um lado para o outro de pé. Encostam-se à cadeira de quem calhar. Sentam-se nos braços da cadeira ao seu lado. Gritam ruidosamente para manter uma conversa com a excursão de amigos e amigas que viajam com eles, sentados em pontos opostos do avião. E naqueles vôos de longo curso, onde o que eu só quero é dormir para não sentir a viagem passar, passam a noite excitadinhos que nem uma criança à espera do Pai Natal, e a beber que nem uns javardos. Gosto particularmente da fase da aterragem, onde todos batem palmas como se estivessem num circo.
No Pequeno Almoço do Hotel
Distinguir um português em férias antes de ele abrir a boca é um exercício penosamente elementar. Podemos distingui-los pelo belo calçãozinho de banho com padrão príncipe de gales, acompanhado pelas chanatas, ou pelo sapatinho de vela com peúga de cor variada, dependendo do seu grau de sofisticação social. Mas se porventura já aprenderam a vestir-se decentemente há uma coisa que não falha: a quantidade inacreditável de comida que, no buffet, conseguem transportar nos pratos. E a quantidade de vezes que repetem. Se não repetirem 3 vezes é porque estão com azia da viagem.
Na Praia
Aqui continua ser fácil porque se comportam como se estivessem na Caparica: berram que nem uns desalmados, levam um lanchinho proveniente do pequeno almoço, e estão sempre acompanhados por uma bola de futebol que insistem em chutar para cima dos outros (mais por falta de jeito do que intencionalmente). Os que não levam bola passam o dia a chafurdar dentro de água, a dois metros da areia, numa actividade que consideram tratar-se de snorkelling.
No Comércio Local
Não compram nada que não seja muito bem regateado. Não interessa nada se estão a regatear preços miseráveis. De calculadora na mão, estão dispostos a negociar 5 cêntimos para orgulhosamente acharem que não só não foram enganados, como enganaram o pelintra que estava a vender o pechisbeque para comer a sua refeição diária. Claro que neste processo a chinfrineira é mais que muita...
No Avião de Volta
Regressam normalmente decorados com os artigos locais: o chapéu de palha ou feito com folha de palmeira pelo barman do hotel; a camisinha às flores; a t-shirt alusiva tipo «Yo estube en Varadero»; O cabelinho entrançado à lá nativa; a tatuagem temporária no braço; todos com um bronzeado excessivo, próximo da insolação, meio inchados do sol e da bebida. O seu comportamento dentro avião é um remake do que fizeram à ida.
Felizmente tenho um agente de viagens que me compreende. Quando me vê chegar para comprar as minhas férias, diz sempre: «já sei onde é que não vai passar férias este ano».

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